im sorry....

i realise im sometimes really insensitive when i voice out to ppl that i feel are insensitive to me... and apparently that juz made me feel worse everytime cuz i only realise i wld be hurting others too which i do not want to at all.... i did it again today and i wished i cld turn back time... turn it back so it was never heard....
im sooo sry.... i doubt my apology wld work anyway but i pray it wld...
im juz a coward who fears to fail, who fears of all the what ifs that may happen...
i pray for forgiveness... all i can do now is pray...

That's all...

Am i too sensitive?

whoo.. to had a short day in camp till 9.30 resting in bunk cuz of duty overnight, then had cohesion at this place called H.I.G.H which apparently is a LAN gaming place which has a bar as well and its pretty classy too. had a good 3 hrs session and i took off home...

then i was called to go out have lunch and shop, and while almost decided on where to go and meet suddenly it came to a decision to not go instead>.< i dunno if im being too sensitive or not but that juz felt like it was juz a joke... like some april fool's joke... i really dunno wad to say bout it and im really tired of tinking bout tis issue now so thats all i'll say, probably nothing i can do to ever avoid such stuff anyway, juz hope it nvr happens again... i only hope nobody ever do tis kinda stuff again cuz im probably too sensitive to handle such a situation again...

...That's all....

where am i headed??

its been awhile since i last blogged, better do now before i completely become lazy to blog again,

well tis week was a fairly easy week to handle:
Mon
went on course supposedly for the whole day but ended at noon so i had the whole afternoon till 7.30 which was great:D

Tue
Went for medical appointment in the morn till 1.30pm and slacked in office till 5 and went to bunk and slp:)

Today
Went on course again and yup the same thing happened:D so im home now relaxing and blogging, well the bonus for today is that it juz so happens my company has a nights out today so my book in timing automatic extended to 10p.m :D so i get a few more hrs off haha which covers today:) tmr will be quite relax since the big boss is not ard and so is fri which hopefully can book out at noon and end tis week faster^.^

Emo notes:
well happy as i shld be, somehow i cant seem to be truly happy cuz it juz feels like im still lost, waiting for someone to find me and bring me out. i have been feeling like im leaving in a shell that acts on its own, while i am unable to express anything...
tis few mths i have nvr been able to really focus on wad im doin in church, i feel aimless even my shell speaks of goals and aims. somehow i cant seem to focus on it at all... i need someone to save me out of tis little shell and wake me to my senses...

That's all.

completely tired....

hmmm... tired.... sick of being used, sick of being helpful, sick of being there all the time... only makes me feel more used cuz i dun get repaid, but shld i be expecting any? probably not, thats why its so hard to do it...
prob is i made it a habit to do so and end up hating myself for being used for all tis stupid reasons...
juz did stupid pre-audit work for 2 whole weeks like a dog>.< and u feel like no one cares except the few ppl whom r actually doing work wif u, which i only noe is one other guy... everyone else will juz tell u they had it worse or "ur a clerk la plz" like its not tough wadeva blah blah blah... yea im not combat fit so what?
cant even have the right to express stress?

come out i juz meet friends a short while, get to noe some stuff laugh ard abit, still im kinda upset cuz i have to pretend at times that im not irritated wif him cuz he doesnt give a damn bout how i think.... if it continues like tis too long i will prob end up giving up being friends cuz im alr having enuf probs and do not need my close friend to be my prob like that...

now im quite moodless cuz i juz had a change in plans.... cant blame anyone juz that i seriously hate last min change of plans... no offense to anyone who change plans last min, i juz feel sometimes like if plans to go out can juz be cancelled like that does it mean that it isnt something to look forward to?
well that is my view of things so i cant expect everyone to accept the idea...

well going back camp soon so alittle thing to look forward to is im booking out on wed so it will be a short week tis week, and im still moodless so cant tink of anything else to say...

That's all

I REALLY WANNA GET OUT T_T

i cant believe i have to OT every night>.<>.<>.<>.<>.<>.<"

whats more annoying is tis chao geng boy in my branch who keeps on taking mc>.<>:( WTH he doesnt even do his own work, i have been standing in his stupid duties and i still have to go through tis shit when he is happily continuously having MC?!?!?!

So what if i am capable in the branch? look who's the one happily enjoying life? tis is juz so crappy>.<>.<>.< annoyed!!!

nothing else i wanna say now!!

get me outta here

i cant believe i have been stuck in this bloody room since 8am>.<>.<>.<"

today i juz kept playing bejeweled blitz in hopes of knocking my sis off but seems too far for me>.<>.< i still wanna rest... i didnt have enuf time to spend wif everybody:(

i am reminded of the past today and i really miss those times....
i wish i cld even have half or juz a third of how it used to be, i wld be happy...

theres not much to say today cuz i have been in tis small room, there's nothing here to talk abt

thurs will be my medical appointment to NUH, hope they find out wad's wrong wif my knee cuz apparently the physio ppl have no idea>.<"

still waiting for cash so i can return ppl cash and also buy my Valrhona dark choc!!

thats all

hols overrrr>.<

darnnn it!!!! why my hols end so fast>.<>.< sucks big time:(
i wan more time at home!!!
more time wif friends!!!!
more time to release my stress!!!

hmmmm well today chat wif joshua and his "friend" ^.^, crystal:P haha i found out she was a music student! whoo so cool, i have been wanting to study music but i dunno wad i can do in it so i learnt alittle of wad prospects there is frm her:) hmmm and i somehow feel like doing "The Prayer" as a special item for something, like suddenly so inspired haha, hmmm i muz find someone to sing it with^^ was hoping to do it as a special item for PY and Keegan's wedding but dunno whether is possible.

todays practice was really nice but tiring, i sang until i felt faint, like was gonna blackout or something lol, maybe im really sick or something hmmm oh wells.

today again i had that same sad feeling when i saw ppl tgt again>.<" i was excited for them, but felt sad for myself:( urgh i gotta snap out of it!! im going camp alr if i dun i will go crazy in there>.<

well thats all for today.
(hopefully can get chocolate next week to bake brownies^^)

In the Midst of the Storm

still the new year, but i juz had more tots to pen down, juz wrote a note to xiu xiu juz now and passed it to yun to give it to her as i cant sent her off, kinda sucks cuz the next time seeing her will be like next yr>.<>.< darn another saddening tot for the yr:(

following the singing part, i realise singing recently has brought me a different sensation or experience compared to before, probably due to the depressing feelings welled up inside, i juz feel completely free when i start singing, like singing with my cousin which i truly enjoy, wld say the best person to sing with so far for me:) and im hoping we will be able to form up a grp soon to do some songs we tot abt:)

apparently no matter how sad i feel, the moment i start singing, i feel some kind of peace and excitement building in me. i wonder why, but i really like this feeling:) it'll probably be my biggest channel of relief for this yr.

anyway im spending the rest of new year doing duty in camp once again>.<
lets hope this yr it wont be so stormy.
though its storming outside now haha...

"Happy" new year??

2010 is here!!! seriously i cant seem to feel happy at all...
a whole yr of ns life ahead and more...
alone and hurted deeply...
lost and desperate....

im getting tired... i need someone.... please...
i need someone to feel that hole....
not treat me like a kid....
can i be taken seriously??

this yr im on the verge of cracking apart....
i hope i survive this yr>.<

what am i doing???

today's really boring, all i did was sleep till like 9plus a.m and just play wii and use msn till like 4 and headed to where i am now>.< in camp... to do my duty....

today i cant seem to figure what im doing for the past few weeks... lots of my actions i do not have reasons for and have been wondering why i did that and am i on the right path??

i need a hug..... i need someone to hold me and take me seriously for what im doing....

i dunno if im slowly recovering frm the hurt cuz it seems like im slowly being sucked into vacuum
a place of nothingness
numbing my senses slowly
making everything seem unreal

will i find a way out?
i wish i dun have to wait for time to tell

on another point, i realise ppl tend to see things they dun wanna see, like somehow u become really sensitive to it and end up noticing this things that u refuse to see so much more easily.
i hate it when i see them everywhere>.< its like trying to remind me even after i tried so hard to forget...

i tink in my heart im still pretty pissed at some ppl whom i trusted so much to have cheated me like that, but maybe becuz i did not show that i noe, it seems like it can go overboard... constantly taunting me to reveal stuff, tot of it makes me sick...

oh well i guess thats todays thoughts... am i backsliding?
hmmm i hope i can forgive ppl but some are juz too hard to? they never learn.

Thats all.

wishing for too much

a year has passed since i last blogged and this year is almost ending

i have had much fun this year
same goes with the pain...
seems like quite a painful year to go through next year after all that has happened...
i wished i never messed up,
i wished i didn't have to have friends do such things to me...
i wished somebody could understand me the way i see things
not just tell me to view it some other way
but I'm glad God placed some interesting people in my life strangely but surely
to indirectly talk to me about my mistakes and my pain
im really really thankful for having this ppl around to talk to
but im still hoping for the relationship i had to come back...

a new year is coming, i wish i have the time to spend with all my friends and loved ones...
i think im wishing for too much...
so i hope next year will be more merciful to me
i foresee one of the worst year of my life mentally coming soon...

hmmm clearing all the fungus growing around this blog, i think it'll be my little space for now to pen my thoughts down and release some stress, as advice from an interesting friend=) i'll leave that for another time.

it may be a gloomy post but i wish anybody who is still reading this a happy new year!

working soon^^

yesssssssssssssssssss!!!! whoohooo!! im gonna be attached to PSA^^ happiness~ yea so happy when the PSA liasion officer called me down^^ was like ALRITE!!!! cuz PSA pays attachment students for all IT attachment in NYP the most plus rather relaxing workload^^ yesssss!!! haha anyway had chalet at aranda country club from mon to wed... was like fun but got really boring at the end cuz only left 4 guys staying:( and worse was that the wild wild wet closed on tues!!! like our only full day there and it closed and escape closed on weekdays... so was like super bummer... but did had fun catching up wif all my classmates^^

hehe another movie to watch^^ this is 4Bia, its like 4 short ghost stories together^^ the show is really good if u wanna shock urself^^ cuz they do it really well^^ i watched it wif my classmates at chalet at midnight and we all ended up all muz go toilet together lol^^ it does leave an impact to some. like will be too afraid to be alone in the dark etc.. yar but really good so do go watch^^

oh yes plz do not watch wif ppl who spoil atmostsphere, it sucks big time:P oh yes ytr went to SOKA to rehearse for performance, was kinda messy lol the felt abit creeped by the chants and the altar but oh well not something I shld dwell further in...

thats all for today.. today juz resting and ltr and nite meet dear to get more hamsters^^ yupps~

horror flicks(O [] O |||)

ok today was funnnnn^^ i tot only horror shows in the pass was good and they cant do any good ones anymore.... this one came from Spain or at least is a spanish zombie kinda flick^^ if only i was able to watch it in cinemas, this would have been really freaky.... oh yes this is wad Quarantine is based on, a remake of [REC], not gonna spoil for u ppl but this is really one movie that feels realistic like it really happened!! hee anyway watched it on com wif dear and got quite a bunch of scares. oh then went to eat sakae sushi teatime buffet^^ dear so blur nvr eat b4 tot muz lke pay for lotsa extra charges lol opps cannot make fun of her:P had my little feel of salmon sashimi^^ if only they were fresher i wld have totally enjoyed it but still did^^ dear cldnt handle the texture of the salmon lol^^ oh well gd try though^^ then went to shop ard Vivo look for stuff for her hamsters to play wif ^^ not gonna go detailed cuz my brain like fried le so cant rmb:P anyway if have time [REC] is a gd movie to try watch online, if have uncut version is best^^ thats all for today^^

till next time^^

hols for me^^ whooo tis the season to be jolly^^

yeaaa this is my little piece of art i created using photoshop for my visual art's company logo^^ got the idea from Naruto comics from Sasuke's Sharingan eye^^ those who dunno go read up^^ Im super happy finally am having break! ok not to dampen the spirit of ppl still working hard, PRESS ON!! u guys can do it^^ well somehow i created a little logo for myself too which i tink will be my end signature from now on^^

this was the skates that i modelled for the game but nvr made it as a rollerblade but as an item boost:( so wanted to see my character wear those... hopefully can further the game in the future and make it nice and complete^^

oh yes bout today..... ok juz resting as have not been resting enuf for the past hmmm 2-3months i tink, i know ppl who are worse, i salute this ppl man cuz i was almost crumbling from the tiredness already.

ah yes this is my monopoly gameboard which IS still not completed but i did color it haha^^ ehh well not sure if its visible but i liked the bongo at the back the most cuz i tink that is the most realistic instrument i did there^^oh wells maybe i'll finish this too if i feel up to it^^"

well this was done by my team leader, wesley, muz acknowledge him wahahahaha, anyway i did the hand!! ok it looks weird-.-" but i created a video on this which i will not try uploading as it may turn out to be juz like the sad uber fast video i posted...

oh and one impt point, IM SO SRY I FORGOT TO SEND MEL OFF TODAY T_T i totally forgot until my granny came over and told me anna when to send someone off... ahhhhhhhh so blur la i cant stand it!!! sry mel but i wish u best of luck and God bless for your studies there!

i guess thats all for today oh yes and making sure that my dear is studying haha, good luck to all examians(ppl taking exams:P)

hols!!!! abit more to go>.<

whee i finally have free time to blog-.- have been having com problems and busy game projects plus visual art projects that i didnt have time to blog for a whole month! and here i am finally blogging at the end of the sem:) it pays to have such a busy sem^.^ u get no exams!!! juz panic throughout the sem and be super consistent:P ok today i stayed in sch till like 7.47p.m to finish my character animation and render as a video^^ this visual art stuff is such a pain, so much stuff to do, need do website as well-.- anyway a quick update to the pass weeks not in any order:

1) I'm certain I scored A for my computer graphics!!! whoooo!!!

2) Same goes for Game's Development!!! whoooo!!!!

3) alumni choir is getting stressful with so little weeks of practice and too many things to learn-.-

4) VE is still a very fun place to be^^ I like the new carol we are learning^^ we are abit behind schedule for concert though-.- but all is going well still^^

5) Carl's Juniors has been proven to bore me if I take it every sun:P

6) Dear and Zane are cute losers:P haha its a good thing^.^

7) Tennis is in need of alot of improvement or else im gonna get it from coach-.-"

8) Sang trio with anna and kester which i forgot the part i was suppose to sing halfway through:P

9) Spent 2 weeks clearing virus and trojans from lappy and end up reformatting it instead lol

10) Learnt how to clean virus from harddisk, thumbdrive, usb, SDcard etc. efficiently:) help Paul removed his little virus but dunno if it worked:P please feedback to me^^

11) Church choir learning speed is UBER fast!! seem to finish songs within one practice almost everytime-.-"

12) Finally got more monster hunters to play with^^ finally met up with ZJ^^ haha good times^^

13) In search of a good online game(still searching)

well thats was wordy.... anyway I am finally back to continue blogging and guess I will end with a little video of my visual art character and some pics of my game from my games project^.^ Enjoy~ edited: video got some prob here seems it runs too fast:( suppose to be 41 secs. oh well...

-have faith-

todays kinda boring though i manage to spend some time at home relaxing alittle and create these little objects, sadly was planning to show the full product but i lost my thumbdrive losing all the stuff:( so have to start off with this and will have more in the coming days^^ muz have faith that i can finish all this in due time. next will be hmmm oh yes, bonding camp! oh man i dun have the pics yet:( so nothing to show... ok nothing much to blog on then, but i guess its ok for now. basically i enjoyed the camp quite alot except for falling sick halfway:( glad that it didnt became too serious that i cant follow through the whole camp^^ well talk bout the camp more when i have pics^^

updates!!! finally-.-"

wooohoooooo!!! im back wif updates!!!! haha before everyone stone me for not updating:P ok, i have had a really long and eventful week so i try to get everything in^^, this was the sun of last week, when i was finally confirmed as a christian!! and along wif my ONEderful cousin being baptised^^ praise the Lord!! well we took photos out here to commemorate the day^^ it was pretty rush due to it was being the day we leave for church camp and so was like taking many many photos but muz still change clothes an rush off lol... oh and here's one with the bunch of youth that baptised and confirmed and the rest of the gang^^ plus my little cousin^^
woohoo^^ love them all^^ they rock man^^ haha ok anyway went to batam for church camp and well it was really fun^^ but the things there were really expensive-.-" like old and exxxx...

wahaha ok yar im not acting cute ok, this is the mee soto we were given when we juz reached... it was juz terrible... it was juz bad, the veg were solid like rocks and the soup is the only thing that has taste... but there were many donuts so luckily saved frm the horror:P

ok the pool looks really nice^^ its like so tropical feeling and is really peaceful:) yea the breakfast is really yummy and like i eat like 3 to 4 meals every morning. wahahahaha:P and the last nites seafood bbq is really great^^ like live crab bbq^^ ok sounds cruel but really taste gd lor so sry animal lovers:P and yar and my room was really loaded wif ppl every nite lol due to it being the HQ:P OEI! haha ok only our secret members will noe^^ and then yep loads of ppl all over the place haha

this is my bunch of youths in my room, all taunt like mad lol but had lotsa fun^^

ok basically had lots to say on camp but really too long le so skip:P wanna noe more??? ask me lor:P ok then went home back to singapore then went straight for bbq for class NR0809 (not my class) lol then well dunno wad i got myself into lol ended up doing forfeit in the middle of east coast-.-" the ppl were really self high lor and can keep playing games one lol^^ ok yups well it was quite short and well haha then went back home~

yupps and then thurs was also a long and tiring day-.- woke up early to finish my assignment siannnnnnnnnn then had nothing to do then juz slp in the clubroom for half the day, then had VE then pract^^ yea then gerald became counter-tenor for new song^^ phew~ heng i no need.

ok then fri haha ehhhh went to celebrate pei's b'dae, too bad no pics yet so nothing to post, celebrate wif her secondary sch clique and then was at kbox^^ sing quite a number of songs and was haha oh man bad at chinese so yar cant sing most of it:( but had fun overall, had a meal at billy bombers which was pretty nice and walked abit, technically was really unsure wad to talk bout as i was kinda not in the group but then haha well they are all really nice ppl and i feel they are really good to hang out wif^^ well not much info due to lack of photos:( really need the pics to inspire my speech:P oh wells.

ok sat was really long too^^ well had alumni choir which was miserable of 4 ppl only soooo sadssss but anyway after that went out moved ard then went PC fair with kh nic cy and win. the place was soooo crowded lor plus i could not find any decent looking desktop... so much for an PC fair... then went all ard looking for yun's new cam^^ glad that she got a nice cam and then we went for burger king and i was soooo hungry i had 2 burgers and cleared every single bit of it^^ oh man so like a glutton:P haha well then walked abit then went home, kinda all that happened yup and this concludes my final part of this long post of my week in short^^ phew finally updated....^^"

^^hee hee~^^

Peace in Mind, Heart, Body and Soul

Peace at heart, thats tough, i have always been so anxious i worry myself too much the rest are quite somewhat easier for me to grasp. oh well enough of this things, never was good at sounding chim anyway:P well lots of things not blogged yet, so i shall start from hmmmm ah yes last week .

This is not what i ate, its some weird rice leftovers when i went to kofu on last weeks wed, it just looks weird and kinda reminded me of those strange looking food that the food science ppl produced:P ok but maybe this could give inspiration to new ideas for food science ppl huh^^"

oh this was on thurs when we celebrated yun's bdae^^ ahah it was kinda ad hoc cuz nic ding kh yun and me was at gym then wanted to eat and somehow decided we shld juz eat at yun's place so that can still celebrate her bdae^^ oh yea which reminds me her mum cooks food sooooooooo healthy^^ ok no to the next pic to explain.







YES!!! this is the healthy instant noodle that her mum prepared for us, it was like wahhhhhhh tofu and seaweed and the soup also seafood, then the nuggets were also like no oil lor, like steamed and sausage too^^ its like if need healthy food diet go there will sure stay very healthy^^ oh yea and yun had a hamster which hmm i forgot how to spell the name so better not blog the wrong name, which liked to eat rice and apple, even the hamster is healthy^^.

ok this was sat morn before the prison performance at my room, we decided to have a stayover at my place on fri and played Wii though nic and em nvr come:P well it was fun to have friends stayover, kinda like a slumber party except er... im a guy^^" anyway playing wii is real fun when with friends^^ or wif many ppl^^ oh yea the prison performance, sadly no pics inside due to the security so nothing was allowed to be brought in, not even water bottles, but the performance the inmates did was really cool^^ well at least i heard a cd would be done for us as it was recorded inside^^

Wheeeee~ this is my VE family without the new offsprings^^ haha as in the new juniors wooo~~ ok this was after we finish the performance and finally got back which like took ofrever cuz the clearance in and out of the prison was uber long... and for those crazy bunch of us who still wanna go out went off to have Carl's Junior^^ yea i love Carl's Junior^^
wahaha yea eating my favorite meal, the double western bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon and cheese and beef chilli cheese fries^^ well we ate and ate and then suddenly everyone started folding straw hearts-_-" somehow i forgot how to fold it alr:( ah im too lazy to post more pics... oh well yea we went to singapore flyer to look awhile, looks nice frm below the flyer, but the queue is soooooooooo long..... yup then we went to have ice-cream at ben and jerry's and i ate brownie wif vanilla ice-cream and chocolate fudge^^ yumyum. well thats a really long day to recap everything.

ok well ytr was rather boring where i had more lab lessons which are starting to make lesser and lesser sense to me and workload as usual isn't dropping though i submitted the last of my drawings so no need to draw alr^^ and then got VE at night, arghhh we need more guys, guys singing in a choir is fun plz join!!! ok that was desperate... anyway hopefully we'll do fine^^ guess i summed up wad i needed to blog since my com was sent for repair^^ oh yea and i joined VoiceOut but dunno wad to sing lol, wonder wads a good song to sing~

sooo tired but must press on...

ahhh getting lesser and lesser time to sleep and more work to do!!! noooo!!! i must catch up with my workload... which i tink i juz manage to catch up today^^ at the expense of staying up till now-.-" well at least i had some enjoying times this week^^ like the NEWater Plant which had this really comical tour guide which really made the dull field trip shine^^ and i took 5 bottles of NEWater^^" im not kiasu, juz thirsty at that moment:P oh well and once again i shall show more doodles!!! well they are actually the refined version of the previous post ones, or supposedly to be:P

well the most obvious change would be the board since i added the buildings and designs on the board. though there are certain spaces like tax and community chess and chance spaces missing, cant really help it i was too tired to figure a way to slot them in.

on to today, i played tennis in the morn with wesley,

went to meet fypj friends to play burnout and flatout,

went home to play abit and finish up drawings,

went out to have dinner with whole family as sis will be flying to US this sat,

went back home and finish up the drawings,

and am blogging^^"

well thats all^^ must press on for days to come!!! well i will have almost one week break to rest my brain abit^^

doodling is tiring

wheee this is today's doodle^^ ok basically its kinda like a comic strip of this monopoly board game which i created which is themed after music. the story is that this little note haha dunno the name for it:P is singing along the monopoly streets, and then he entered the off pitch space( which is go to jail on monopoly ) and sand badly thus ended up in the muted area where he cant move and make music (aka the jail) ^^. well this will be part of a poster im doing for my visual arts module this sem so hopefully will look nice^^ oh and the 2nd thing will be the board which is now only in its early stage of development so looks kinda plain.

yep thats the board which will also have buildings which will be instruments popping out along the inner square. ah well and now i still gotta do flash game.... im getting too tired of this design and programming stuff... muz stay motivated!!! oh well yea and gonna sing tmr and go NEWater plant-.-" wish i can swap with someone... thats all for today^^ till next time^^