i realise im sometimes really insensitive when i voice out to ppl that i feel are insensitive to me... and apparently that juz made me feel worse everytime cuz i only realise i wld be hurting others too which i do not want to at all.... i did it again today and i wished i cld turn back time... turn it back so it was never heard....
im sooo sry.... i doubt my apology wld work anyway but i pray it wld...
im juz a coward who fears to fail, who fears of all the what ifs that may happen...
i pray for forgiveness... all i can do now is pray...
That's all...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Am i too sensitive?
whoo.. to had a short day in camp till 9.30 resting in bunk cuz of duty overnight, then had cohesion at this place called H.I.G.H which apparently is a LAN gaming place which has a bar as well and its pretty classy too. had a good 3 hrs session and i took off home...
then i was called to go out have lunch and shop, and while almost decided on where to go and meet suddenly it came to a decision to not go instead>.< i dunno if im being too sensitive or not but that juz felt like it was juz a joke... like some april fool's joke... i really dunno wad to say bout it and im really tired of tinking bout tis issue now so thats all i'll say, probably nothing i can do to ever avoid such stuff anyway, juz hope it nvr happens again... i only hope nobody ever do tis kinda stuff again cuz im probably too sensitive to handle such a situation again...
...That's all....
then i was called to go out have lunch and shop, and while almost decided on where to go and meet suddenly it came to a decision to not go instead>.< i dunno if im being too sensitive or not but that juz felt like it was juz a joke... like some april fool's joke... i really dunno wad to say bout it and im really tired of tinking bout tis issue now so thats all i'll say, probably nothing i can do to ever avoid such stuff anyway, juz hope it nvr happens again... i only hope nobody ever do tis kinda stuff again cuz im probably too sensitive to handle such a situation again...
...That's all....
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
where am i headed??
its been awhile since i last blogged, better do now before i completely become lazy to blog again,
well tis week was a fairly easy week to handle:
Mon
went on course supposedly for the whole day but ended at noon so i had the whole afternoon till 7.30 which was great:D
Tue
Went for medical appointment in the morn till 1.30pm and slacked in office till 5 and went to bunk and slp:)
Today
Went on course again and yup the same thing happened:D so im home now relaxing and blogging, well the bonus for today is that it juz so happens my company has a nights out today so my book in timing automatic extended to 10p.m :D so i get a few more hrs off haha which covers today:) tmr will be quite relax since the big boss is not ard and so is fri which hopefully can book out at noon and end tis week faster^.^
Emo notes:
well happy as i shld be, somehow i cant seem to be truly happy cuz it juz feels like im still lost, waiting for someone to find me and bring me out. i have been feeling like im leaving in a shell that acts on its own, while i am unable to express anything...
tis few mths i have nvr been able to really focus on wad im doin in church, i feel aimless even my shell speaks of goals and aims. somehow i cant seem to focus on it at all... i need someone to save me out of tis little shell and wake me to my senses...
That's all.
well tis week was a fairly easy week to handle:
Mon
went on course supposedly for the whole day but ended at noon so i had the whole afternoon till 7.30 which was great:D
Tue
Went for medical appointment in the morn till 1.30pm and slacked in office till 5 and went to bunk and slp:)
Today
Went on course again and yup the same thing happened:D so im home now relaxing and blogging, well the bonus for today is that it juz so happens my company has a nights out today so my book in timing automatic extended to 10p.m :D so i get a few more hrs off haha which covers today:) tmr will be quite relax since the big boss is not ard and so is fri which hopefully can book out at noon and end tis week faster^.^
Emo notes:
well happy as i shld be, somehow i cant seem to be truly happy cuz it juz feels like im still lost, waiting for someone to find me and bring me out. i have been feeling like im leaving in a shell that acts on its own, while i am unable to express anything...
tis few mths i have nvr been able to really focus on wad im doin in church, i feel aimless even my shell speaks of goals and aims. somehow i cant seem to focus on it at all... i need someone to save me out of tis little shell and wake me to my senses...
That's all.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
completely tired....
hmmm... tired.... sick of being used, sick of being helpful, sick of being there all the time... only makes me feel more used cuz i dun get repaid, but shld i be expecting any? probably not, thats why its so hard to do it...
prob is i made it a habit to do so and end up hating myself for being used for all tis stupid reasons...
juz did stupid pre-audit work for 2 whole weeks like a dog>.< and u feel like no one cares except the few ppl whom r actually doing work wif u, which i only noe is one other guy... everyone else will juz tell u they had it worse or "ur a clerk la plz" like its not tough wadeva blah blah blah... yea im not combat fit so what?
cant even have the right to express stress?
come out i juz meet friends a short while, get to noe some stuff laugh ard abit, still im kinda upset cuz i have to pretend at times that im not irritated wif him cuz he doesnt give a damn bout how i think.... if it continues like tis too long i will prob end up giving up being friends cuz im alr having enuf probs and do not need my close friend to be my prob like that...
now im quite moodless cuz i juz had a change in plans.... cant blame anyone juz that i seriously hate last min change of plans... no offense to anyone who change plans last min, i juz feel sometimes like if plans to go out can juz be cancelled like that does it mean that it isnt something to look forward to?
well that is my view of things so i cant expect everyone to accept the idea...
well going back camp soon so alittle thing to look forward to is im booking out on wed so it will be a short week tis week, and im still moodless so cant tink of anything else to say...
That's all
prob is i made it a habit to do so and end up hating myself for being used for all tis stupid reasons...
juz did stupid pre-audit work for 2 whole weeks like a dog>.< and u feel like no one cares except the few ppl whom r actually doing work wif u, which i only noe is one other guy... everyone else will juz tell u they had it worse or "ur a clerk la plz" like its not tough wadeva blah blah blah... yea im not combat fit so what?
cant even have the right to express stress?
come out i juz meet friends a short while, get to noe some stuff laugh ard abit, still im kinda upset cuz i have to pretend at times that im not irritated wif him cuz he doesnt give a damn bout how i think.... if it continues like tis too long i will prob end up giving up being friends cuz im alr having enuf probs and do not need my close friend to be my prob like that...
now im quite moodless cuz i juz had a change in plans.... cant blame anyone juz that i seriously hate last min change of plans... no offense to anyone who change plans last min, i juz feel sometimes like if plans to go out can juz be cancelled like that does it mean that it isnt something to look forward to?
well that is my view of things so i cant expect everyone to accept the idea...
well going back camp soon so alittle thing to look forward to is im booking out on wed so it will be a short week tis week, and im still moodless so cant tink of anything else to say...
That's all
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I REALLY WANNA GET OUT T_T
i cant believe i have to OT every night>.<>.<>.<>.<>.<>.<"
whats more annoying is tis chao geng boy in my branch who keeps on taking mc>.<>:( WTH he doesnt even do his own work, i have been standing in his stupid duties and i still have to go through tis shit when he is happily continuously having MC?!?!?!
So what if i am capable in the branch? look who's the one happily enjoying life? tis is juz so crappy>.<>.<>.< annoyed!!!
nothing else i wanna say now!!
whats more annoying is tis chao geng boy in my branch who keeps on taking mc>.<>:( WTH he doesnt even do his own work, i have been standing in his stupid duties and i still have to go through tis shit when he is happily continuously having MC?!?!?!
So what if i am capable in the branch? look who's the one happily enjoying life? tis is juz so crappy>.<>.<>.< annoyed!!!
nothing else i wanna say now!!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
get me outta here
i cant believe i have been stuck in this bloody room since 8am>.<>.<>.<"
today i juz kept playing bejeweled blitz in hopes of knocking my sis off but seems too far for me>.<>.< i still wanna rest... i didnt have enuf time to spend wif everybody:(
i am reminded of the past today and i really miss those times....
i wish i cld even have half or juz a third of how it used to be, i wld be happy...
theres not much to say today cuz i have been in tis small room, there's nothing here to talk abt
thurs will be my medical appointment to NUH, hope they find out wad's wrong wif my knee cuz apparently the physio ppl have no idea>.<"
still waiting for cash so i can return ppl cash and also buy my Valrhona dark choc!!
thats all
today i juz kept playing bejeweled blitz in hopes of knocking my sis off but seems too far for me>.<>.< i still wanna rest... i didnt have enuf time to spend wif everybody:(
i am reminded of the past today and i really miss those times....
i wish i cld even have half or juz a third of how it used to be, i wld be happy...
theres not much to say today cuz i have been in tis small room, there's nothing here to talk abt
thurs will be my medical appointment to NUH, hope they find out wad's wrong wif my knee cuz apparently the physio ppl have no idea>.<"
still waiting for cash so i can return ppl cash and also buy my Valrhona dark choc!!
thats all
Sunday, January 3, 2010
hols overrrr>.<
darnnn it!!!! why my hols end so fast>.<>.< sucks big time:(
i wan more time at home!!!
more time wif friends!!!!
more time to release my stress!!!
hmmmm well today chat wif joshua and his "friend" ^.^, crystal:P haha i found out she was a music student! whoo so cool, i have been wanting to study music but i dunno wad i can do in it so i learnt alittle of wad prospects there is frm her:) hmmm and i somehow feel like doing "The Prayer" as a special item for something, like suddenly so inspired haha, hmmm i muz find someone to sing it with^^ was hoping to do it as a special item for PY and Keegan's wedding but dunno whether is possible.
todays practice was really nice but tiring, i sang until i felt faint, like was gonna blackout or something lol, maybe im really sick or something hmmm oh wells.
today again i had that same sad feeling when i saw ppl tgt again>.<" i was excited for them, but felt sad for myself:( urgh i gotta snap out of it!! im going camp alr if i dun i will go crazy in there>.<
well thats all for today.
(hopefully can get chocolate next week to bake brownies^^)
i wan more time at home!!!
more time wif friends!!!!
more time to release my stress!!!
hmmmm well today chat wif joshua and his "friend" ^.^, crystal:P haha i found out she was a music student! whoo so cool, i have been wanting to study music but i dunno wad i can do in it so i learnt alittle of wad prospects there is frm her:) hmmm and i somehow feel like doing "The Prayer" as a special item for something, like suddenly so inspired haha, hmmm i muz find someone to sing it with^^ was hoping to do it as a special item for PY and Keegan's wedding but dunno whether is possible.
todays practice was really nice but tiring, i sang until i felt faint, like was gonna blackout or something lol, maybe im really sick or something hmmm oh wells.
today again i had that same sad feeling when i saw ppl tgt again>.<" i was excited for them, but felt sad for myself:( urgh i gotta snap out of it!! im going camp alr if i dun i will go crazy in there>.<
well thats all for today.
(hopefully can get chocolate next week to bake brownies^^)
Friday, January 1, 2010
In the Midst of the Storm
still the new year, but i juz had more tots to pen down, juz wrote a note to xiu xiu juz now and passed it to yun to give it to her as i cant sent her off, kinda sucks cuz the next time seeing her will be like next yr>.<>.< darn another saddening tot for the yr:(
following the singing part, i realise singing recently has brought me a different sensation or experience compared to before, probably due to the depressing feelings welled up inside, i juz feel completely free when i start singing, like singing with my cousin which i truly enjoy, wld say the best person to sing with so far for me:) and im hoping we will be able to form up a grp soon to do some songs we tot abt:)
apparently no matter how sad i feel, the moment i start singing, i feel some kind of peace and excitement building in me. i wonder why, but i really like this feeling:) it'll probably be my biggest channel of relief for this yr.
anyway im spending the rest of new year doing duty in camp once again>.<
lets hope this yr it wont be so stormy.
though its storming outside now haha...
following the singing part, i realise singing recently has brought me a different sensation or experience compared to before, probably due to the depressing feelings welled up inside, i juz feel completely free when i start singing, like singing with my cousin which i truly enjoy, wld say the best person to sing with so far for me:) and im hoping we will be able to form up a grp soon to do some songs we tot abt:)
apparently no matter how sad i feel, the moment i start singing, i feel some kind of peace and excitement building in me. i wonder why, but i really like this feeling:) it'll probably be my biggest channel of relief for this yr.
anyway im spending the rest of new year doing duty in camp once again>.<
lets hope this yr it wont be so stormy.
though its storming outside now haha...
"Happy" new year??
2010 is here!!! seriously i cant seem to feel happy at all...
a whole yr of ns life ahead and more...
alone and hurted deeply...
lost and desperate....
im getting tired... i need someone.... please...
i need someone to feel that hole....
not treat me like a kid....
can i be taken seriously??
this yr im on the verge of cracking apart....
i hope i survive this yr>.<
a whole yr of ns life ahead and more...
alone and hurted deeply...
lost and desperate....
im getting tired... i need someone.... please...
i need someone to feel that hole....
not treat me like a kid....
can i be taken seriously??
this yr im on the verge of cracking apart....
i hope i survive this yr>.<
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